"To do" before "I do"

With about 5 months to go, I've started having some pretty crazy wedmares at night (that's my crafty term for "wedding nightmares"). Last night, I dreamed that the wedding party showed up at the church before the ceremony, but everything was going too fast and no one was having time to get ready. For some reason, I wasn't in my dress (but my bridesmaid friend who just got married was in hers), and the ceremony had already started while I was trying to get ready. Bridesmaid-friend decided she'd just "do it for me" and go through the ceremony since she was already wearing her gown! Then we skipped to the reception, which was being held in our old high school football stadium, where there was a conga line that went around the entire length of the field and seemed to never end. You can tell that I'm starting to think a lot about how this is all going to come together. I'm not feeling anxious or nervous about it on a conscious level, at least at this point, but just knowing that it's somewhere in the back of my mind (especially since I've been having these dreams ever since getting back from the other wedding) has made me want to get my ducks in a row.


So I made the To Do list to end all To Do lists. It's broken down by months, and I keep it in an online document so I can add links, access it anywhere, and won't lose it if my computer breaks or anything -- but mostly I keep it online so I can update it (and use the strikethrough font when I check something off. That feels so satisfying.). Here's my list for the remainder of May:


May:
Put [special surprise for Johnny] together
Buy tablecloths
Buy burlap/jute for runners
Buy paper plates/cups/silverware
Buy freeze-dried rose petals
Buy flower girl basket materials
Put together flower girl baskets
Find “H” for unity candle
Add finishing touches/opener to card box
Print wedding fingerprint tree (and sign)
Buy frame and ink pads
Decide on cake flavor/s
Decide on “menu”
Figure out tea recipes
Have bridal portrait taken


These things fall (mostly) into two categories - things to buy and things to decide. Most of the buying is stuff I plan to do online - I've shopped around for the best deals I can find on what I want, so the hard part's done. One trip to Michaels could take care of the rest.  Now, I'm just holding off to double-check and talk through things with Johnny and Mom. Which I haven't seemed to get around to doing in a while. Actually, I keep skipping ahead on the list - which can also be a good thing - like last night, when I did some more research reading Tripadvisor reviews of Charleston-area hotels.


At least I feel like I have a plan, which feels good :)

Our Dads are amazing...

Something completely unexpected and awesome happened last night. And this is how it happened.
I was already feeling pretty good about my Ebay money-making plans and had taken a close look at our budget to check some stuff (which usually makes me get a surge of confidence, just because it lets me see the solid details of what's going on with the wedding money). I got home from my night shift, made a pot of black beans and rice, plopped down on the couch to nibble at mine while Johnny was outside talking with his Dad, who had just pulled up in the driveway, when I got a phone call from my own father. And this is how it went - at least in a condensed, loose form.

Dad: So, how was your weekend down in the hot country?
Me: It was great! We had a great time [insert some exposition here]...
Dad: I bet you did - I stopped by Mommy-doodle* you Mom's house yesterday, she said you all had been gone since Thursday. I bet that was expensive!
Me: Yeah... we ended up spending about half of what our own wedding is going to cost [embarrassed laugh]
Dad: Wow! But... so you know how much your wedding is going to cost?
Me: Yep, I've got it all budgeted out.
Dad: Really? What have you figured out so far?
Me: Almost everything - I didn't want to have any surprises when it came to the money I'm spending on stuff so I'd know how much I'd need to save and when I'd need it available. [Insert long description of our entire budget because Dad loooooooves talking line items and looooooves it when you do a DIY project to save money on making stuff. Even though his DIY projects are more along the lines of home and car repair than fabric flowers, he sees the big picture on those.]
Dad: I am so proud of you! You've got this all figured out... and if you need anything, you just let me know. You're my only daughter, and if there's anything you want that you think you don't have money for, I'll be here to help with whatever you need. If you need a couple thousand dollars up front, I can do that, too, just give me a month or two...
Me: [Stunned. Flabbergasted. Rush of appreciative thank yous. More stun.]

I never, ever, ever, ever would have outright asked my Dad for money for the wedding, and I didn't ever expect him to offer - I'd just been thinking that he was off in Dad-land where he wouldn't think of any of that stuff. And I was thrilled with the conversation in two ways that meant just as much to me as the offer of any help - the fact that he got really interested and excited in it (when I never expected him to) and the fact that he was proud of me and wanted to help. That means more to me than money any day, ever :D

I was so excited to tell Johnny - we both felt ridiculously relieved, and we realized that we can probably still do what we want without having to ask for anything, but just knowing that I won't have to choose between tablecloths and having petals for the flower girls to throw makes me happy! And then he shared his good news - his Dad had struck upon a brilliant idea. You know how we'd been interested in a potluck before we got run over by the tacky bus on the idea?

POTLUCKS ARE TACKY BEEP BEEEEEP

Johnny's Dad figured out that some folks his family (and ours, too...) would love to bring food and are great cooks, so we could just make up a list of the foods we'd like folks to bring and people can volunteer to fix them. That way we won't get a random assortment, but people still get to help out and make those their gifts to us. Sounds like a winner to me!

So HOORAY for our wonderful Dads who fix the things we worry about when we're totally not expecting it. Dads are the awesomest - especially mine :)

Us :)

* He calls her Mommy-doodle... and I'm Merrie-doodle. Oh, Dad :)

Friend's Wedding Redux

It's a quiet (for now) Monday night at the library, and I've returned from our grand adventure to the Palmetto state. It's taken a whole day, but I'm finally feeling rested and recuperated (at least physically -- definitely not fiscally). And here's the experience I had at my friend's wedding in South Carolina.

We arrived on Thursday with enough time to check in and relax in our room before meeting up with the rest of the wedding party and the groom's extended family at my friends' house. Johnny and I sat around drinking and playing Egyptian Rat Screw with the groomsmen (who were a bunch of fun guys!) until the bachelor/bachelorette funtimes started. And oh, what times were to be had. My friend and I got back to my hotel room at 1:30 a.m. after many drinks (including a "liquid marijuana" and an orange slushie made with Everclear called "Tiger In Your Tank"....). We ended the night with some dancing (I use this word loosely. It reminded me of that dance scene in Zion in The Matrix Reloaded...). There was some grinding involved. I believe that's what the kids are calling that these days? The Bride fell asleep on the chair in our room and didn't even wake up when Johnny came back at 4 a.m. But I did. And I felt sick as a dog. J walked me around outside the hotel to help me get some air, and we sat out on a bench on the street in Greenville before dawn, with me in my nightgown and his hoodie and sobered up. Good times. Well, not the drunk parts. But I can say that I've had enough bacheloretting to cover my wedding, too :P

Friday was full of many events, including me rushing around with a hangover trying to find a place to get my nails done at The Bride's behest. I did - and despite the cost, I enjoyed the heck out of my mani-pedi. I haven't had either since I got my new job (so, since July), so it was a good excuse to enjoy that (especially the massage chair).
Bride-friend was pretty stressed about the rehearsal, but we got a good look at her venue and I got to meet the rest of the groom's family (there were tons of them -- just a few folks from my friend's family). At this point, my suspicions were confirmed that J and I shared very little in common with these upper middle class Irish Catholic folks from Ohio, but we got along spectacularly with them anyway, so I was thrilled :) We then went to the rehearsal dinner at a restaurant called Smoke on the Water downtown. The food was some of the best I've ever had in my life, and I guarantee it was at least $50 per head with over 50 people in attendance. Hoooooo boy.

The wedding day went by in a blur. My friend was wonderfully not-stressed, but I felt like I didn't do as good a job as an MoH as I could because I noticed that pretty much any time I opened my mouth, she wasn't going to be receptive to anything I had to say (mostly in the form of looking at me like I was stupid), so I kept my talking to a minimum. But - at the same time, I realized just how much I've reinforced her attitude in that way over the past year. Any time that I've felt the tension between us rising, my strategy for dissipating it has been "just own up to whatever it is being your fault, whether it really is or not, just accept responsibility for it and play it off like you've been dumb." And guess what -- that really does make people think you're dumb. Lesson learned. Not sure how I'm going to get myself out of this, but at least I'm seeing what's going on now. And keeping quiet did help her stay grounded, I think, and kept my mouth from getting me into trouble, so it turned out to be a good decision.

The wedding was beautiful - very lavish, coordinated with perfect smoothness, and I couldn't believe how little my friend actually had to worry about. Makeup and hair people came to her! Her transportation came to her! Cake and food and liquor and decor and flowers magically appeared at the venue! A trolley even came to take all the drunk people and the wedding party back to the hotel! It really was dream-worthy. I see why brides pay to have these things taken care of. I think that's what I got the most jealous of the whole time. But it was so much fun and I was so happy for them that it didn't really phase me :) I felt really free once the wedding rolled around, knowing that the whole process leading up to it was finally off my shoulders and that the situation was coming to fruition. I saw how all of her stress and hard work and even her friction with others had produced a day and an event that was pretty freakin' fantastic. Still not sure how I'm digesting that. I mean, I don't think being mean to people = getting what you want. Mostly, I'm just taking away the good memories and closing the door on this chapter of stuff in my life. It was the best way I ever could have imagined it ending - better than the best way, even. It was one Really, Really Good Time.

I definitely experienced some bride-envy in that form - the form of "dang, I know I could never afford _________," whether that blank is filled in with "food like this," or "tablecloths," or whathaveyou. It doesn't help that this trip completely broke me. I'm living off a loan from Mom until my next payday. I added it up and realized that I've spent over $2K on someone else's wedding. That's kind of rough, when that's almost half my own wedding's budget. But at the same time, I've been getting some ideas for making a little extra money, or at least recouping the damages this did to our wedding budget. Hellooooo selling all my Paganalia on Ebay and putting some old furniture on the local Swap Shop radio program! I think I can recoup at least $500 -- maybe more, if my family members have anything to donate to the cause. And I'm thinking about trying a new grocery shopping/cooking strategy to spend less than $200 a month on food, which might help me put away another $100 each month for the wedding.

A few more quick thoughts:

• I saw the space-to-people ratio at my friend's venue and got a better idea of what's needed. We will have to get really, really lucky to fit all our folks into our church/fellowship hall. But if there's too many, we can always spread outside and go down to the river.
• Speaking of the river, if we do have a rehearsal dinner, it would be so much fun to have a picnic out back behind the church down there. Or maybe at a picnic area on the Parkway, or a local park. That's something that we could probably afford and that would be tasty and fun and awesome :D
• My flowers will indeed be awesome because they won't be wilting before the ceremony starts like my friends' were.
• I'm really excited about some of our details now - like our unity candles - that my friend didn't bother with. Though she had the ease of having stuff done for her, I would have been so sad to miss out on the fun and involvement of making a lot of the things I'm making - I feel like I'll have something to do with every part of our wedding, and that makes me happy.
• J and I are both thinking we do want at least one small cake. And J definitely wants disposable digital cameras spread around. I couldn't get much of a read on what else he liked/didn't like (he definitely doesn't respond when you ask him straight out "so what did you like?" -- just had to pick these things up when he'd come right out and say them with no prompting).
• I am free and clear with all my details - there will be no "stealing" involved :P The venue did provide some mason jars for people to drink out of and my friend was scandalized. When I drunkenly asked her (by then a little too far gone to remember that whole keeping my mouth shut thing) if she'd be mad if we had mason jars all over our wedding since we'd already planned on them, she was tactful enough not to tell me I was crazy and/or drunk and/or tacky. Hooray!
• I got inspired to think about wedding music (my friend's was traditional up to the end, when she blasted some AC/DC) and found a bunch of bluegrass-y things to run by Johnny for the ceremony. I so so so so so want our recessional to be an instrumental banjo version of Rocky Top now.

On that note, I think that wraps it up... at least, the thoughts I can remember for now. There'll probably be more! I think my next wedding planning adventure adventures are going to involve making a little dough via the internet and the Swap Shop, my bouquet and the boutonnieres, and finally some bunting action. Woo!


80's HAIR!



She's aliiiiiive!

It's been a bit of a wild two months. When I last left off the continuing story, I was getting ready to send in my Weddingbee application and had been posting here faster than a cheetah on crack. And then I went radio-silence on you all. So what happened?

I had something of an epiphany moment. Part of it started when riiiiiight as I was working on my application, the Weddingbee community imploded on itself a little bit. It's not something a reader would have noticed from just reading the posts by the vetted bloggers, but there was chaos on the boards for about a week while some things got settled. The situation involved a number of members (again, not the vetted bloggers, but general site members who posted in forums, like myself) who had been posting on a Sekrit Forum hosted by another website that was, essentially, wedding-world meets 4chan.  Members were badmouthing other members behind their backs on the Sekrit Forum, coordinating attacks on certain thread topics, even threatening to take this mess IRL at member meetups. It's the way the internet works, but suddenly finding out that you've been made fun of behind your back (even by people you've never met and don't care about at all...) just makes a person feel... well... weird. It turned me off of doing a lot of communicating about stuff I'm working on, and definitely turned me off of the idea of applying to put my stuff and myself out there that publicly.
For the most part, I still feel like Weddingbee is a great and safe online community, but I just redirected a lot of my wedding-thinking-energy elsewhere for a while.

Where did I direct it, you might ask? Toward actually making stuff! Hooray!

I wish I had pictures of all the things I've made and found so far. That's been complicated by the fact that we've been having camera difficulties in the form of "we can't find Mom's charger, so it's been dead for two months." But for a basic list of things accomplished:

• Bridesmaids bouquets - are DONE! It's funny how once I got the flowers themselves made, the rest of the process just flew by. I'll do a photo step-by-step of the process of how I got from the flowers to the end product (which involves really heavy duty "gas resistant" wire...) when I do my own bouquet. I'm relieved to have them done - especially because all the flowers for the last two bouquets were barely saved from garbage dump doom after my Granny mistakenly took my cardboard box of them, thinking they were trash. (I don't think it was because they look like trash - it's the macular degeneration. I hope.). 
• Card box - This project popped into my head in the middle of Michaels. I bought the stuff for it then and there, and it's almost complete. It's painted but still needs something attached to the lid to help folks open it. Workin' on that.
• I have not one but two projects that will end up being surprises for Johnny (so I can't talk about 'em...)

I've got my thoughts settled on a lot of the details - now I'm in the process of saving up for and ordering the parts. Mom's getting her candle-making stuff together, I've been collecting ribbon and old book pages (yay for working in a library!) and random finds scattered everywhere from Etsy to Walmart. I'm itching to get some more projects completed, or at least underway, but I wanted to wait until after Becca's wedding to plunge into something else big. I also want to make sure I've thought through some of the budgeting details before I purchase some things, namely tablecloths and a case of wheat. Both are things that I'd love to have and that I thiiiiiiiink will fit in the budget, but they're my last two big-ticket items when it comes to stuff. Before I drop $107 plus shipping on... well... wheat for pew decorations, table decorations, and other decorations... I want to make dang sure that I won't need that money elsewhere on something more important.

Something about being a shoestring budget bride that I come upon weekly, if not daily, are the conflicting ideas of "this is what makes a wedding." There's the stuff you see and the stuff that is. And a lot of times, what you see isn't an indicator of what is, and what is isn't something you can see. The isness of a wedding is a marriage - which is a ritual, an event, a covenant. You can witness that taking place, but can you see the things that happen in your heart and in your relationship when that event takes place? Nope. The stuff you see are the symbols that couples choose to evoke the feelings that they think go with the ritual event (can you tell I used to be Pagan here? :P)
But media and magazines can't make money off of talking about the isness. In fact, you really can't talk that much about the isness. It's not as easy to put words around as "this is a way to make a great centerpiece" and "let's look at the differences between these dresses." There are so many details surrounding the stuff you see, but the is? It just happens. And no amount of money or time spent on the stuff has an ounce of impact on that event whatsoever. It's just there for the mood. In reality, it should be the afterthought, the coda to the fact that two people are committing their lives to each other.
But it is kinda hard to deal with the stuff in that way when it does involve a lot of details, when you have a creative and aesthetic side that's wanting to play more than a kid with a box of 120 Crayolas, and when the nature of how people wrap their heads around things pushes the stuff side to the forefront.

Anyway. I've talked about this a ton before, and I'll probably talk about it more in the future. But enough of it for now.

And, on a totally stuff-related detail, we may end up with a caterer after all, if I can make sure to call her after I get back from South Carolina to talk with her. Johnny's dad had her food at a work event, said it was good, and found out that she only charges for the ingredients plus 10%. That's a good deal!

I'm sure I'll have some more thoughts and ramblings after returning from Becca's wedding this weekend. I'm not going to preface that here with any details about the experience I'm anticipating because I'm trying to go into this as much on an even keel as possible. Johnny knows how bad I've failed at that already, so I can at least try for you all. But if you've made it all the way through this War and Peace of a post, congratulations, and I'm glad to be writing again :D

A stroke of rough, raggedy genius

I've had post ideas building up over the weekend while I got a ton of things done. Mom has cupcake transporting boxes! I sorted out my thoughts on wedding makeup and got prepped for that hot mess! I dipped into the wedding fund and bought the materials to make a card box! I found gorgeous $3 dusty pink fabric at WalMart and it makes even more gorgeous flowers!
But noooo.... instead of blogging like a fiend all weekend, I just cleaned the kitchen and did four loads of laundry. However, that was a worthy accomplisment that needed accomplishing before I ran out of panties.

But -- while I'm sitting here at the library wondering where the battery charger is for our camera so I can get crackin' with some pics and blogging later this week, I started working with my budget outline some more and filling in the gaps that had been big ol' "       "s in the spreadsheet until now. Maybe it's because I'm in a better mood, but I'm definitely feeling more up about what I can accomplish with a little creativity and savvy choices of materials.

One of those savvy choices has been that I've planned to get some burlap from the local tractor supply company to make runners with to jazz up the tables. As I was Googling average prices per yard on the stuff (I'm putting $6/yard in the budget as the maximum price but I see it cheaper), I threw a random "wedding" into my search and started seeing all kinds of awesome ways that you can use burlap in weddings. I could go burlap crazy if I wanted! I don't want to use it so much that it looks like we're getting married inside a huge potato sack, but I saw something that really caught my eye:

From Cap Classique

Dah!!! I'd been trying to think of some kind of bunting option because there are wonderfully placed sconce lights on the walls in the fellowship hall at HCC and they're just begging to be used for hanging stuff. I might just be able to use burlap scraps from the runners (or buy a little extra for not that much money) for a look I love.
If we were able to hang stuff from the ceiling (which would be too much work to pull off), I would soooo be trying to do this:


From Inspired By This

 ... which I could still hang from the wall sconces, but I'm not sure if it would look that great (and I wouldn't know how to hide the cords!). This is a design question that needs the input of a Mom, but I got excited and wanted to go all bloggy with it first.

Pondering a piece of plastic

This whole wedding-on-a-budget thing is great in theory. You know how theory works... where you plan out how much you can save each month, then calculate how much that will give you in the end, then congratulate yourself for being such a great saver and relish the thought of being able to afford those gorgeous and affordable dusty rose tablecloths.
"Ha!" says Life. "Guess who you forgot? Me."

Soooo... I was driving home from work yesterday, singin' along with some Toby Keith, when I hear POPflapflapflapflapflap. And I see that dangling from the driver's side of my windshield is a long piece of black plastic. Whatthecrap. I was almost home and it wasn't hanging out much, so I decided to see if I could make it. Part of why this was questionable is that last summer, the same thing happened on the passenger side, and the black plastic piece went flying off into the woods.
I get home and investigate it -- no sooner than I touch it does it crack right off at the base.

Balls. (Also, that's frost on my windshield from this morning, not nastiness.
Well, that's probably there, too.)

I'm left with a gaping chasm between the body of my car and the windshield on both sides, though at least it's filled in with some kind of black caulking glue-esque stuff. I think (from my research) that this is a piece of weatherstripping and it can be replaced and installed at your average auto body shop. But... yeah... that costs money.
And I overshot what I could put into my wedding savings this month and have $5 left in my checking account and $60 left on my credit card.
Baaaaaaallllllsssss.
I'm going to take some out of the wedding fund to live on/pay the repair bill for the next few weeks until I get paid again and be thankful that I get a good tax refund this year. But facing an unexpected expense yesterday got me thinking about all the other life expenses that I haven't been budgeting for -- things like a friend's bachelorette party and hotel expenses for her wedding, the increases in gas, how much it will cost for me to start fixing more fresh fruits and vegetables rather than Hamburger Helper.
I'm having to face the fact that I won't be able to save as much as I'd hoped for the wedding, rings, honeymoon, and all that jazz. But I've been pep-talking myself to keep from sinking into a pit of despair and thinking that we can't pull it off. I'm a determined, creative person, and I know that with the brains God gave me and the help that our wonderful families and friends offer, we can make a wedding that's awesome.

Something that this experience has made me realize is that you have to let go of worries at some point, somehow. I don't know if it matters how you do it -- whether you meditate or just relax or find something else to take your mind off it. I keep coming back to faith, holding onto trusting that if I save as much as I can and spend as wisely as I can, God will help us have a wedding. It doesn't have to have colored tablecloths or pro invitations, but it will be a wedding, where we can get married, which is the point of it all.
And that helps.

Goodbye, dear friend.

A sad, sad event occurred on Monday night. It was already taking place when I came in the door from work -- I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
It came about because Johnny got a new job, and new jobs mean changes. (Not only did he get one new job, but two! We found out that he's being transferred to the middle-man office of the newspaper conglomerate we work for, where he'll be doing IT support rather than layout and production. That's great and exciting! But then...)
He got a call on Saturday to come in for an interview at our local Ingles for some weekend work in the deli. They liked him (who wouldn't?) and it looked like he'd be making an extra $80 each week. Hooray! But then, the bad news -- all Ingles employees must be clean-shaven.
We stared at the electric razors for half an hour in Walmart on Saturday night as he decided whether or not to take the plunge. One really nice self-cleaning electric razor and some aftershave went in the cart, and he was all set -- if he decided to go through with it.
I loved Johnny's beard. It's been one of my favorite physical things about him ever since I first laid eyes on him at the newspaper (in high school, he was beard-less, but that was so long ago my memories are fuzzy). It's one of Johnny's favorite physical traits, too -- he was dang proud of that beard. He aspired to rock a beard like Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top one day.

But alas, his dream was shattered on Monday night, when he took the plunge and shaved it off.
I don't think either of us are quite used to it yet. He wouldn't even let me kiss him until this morning. I'm supporting him either way, whether he keeps it shaved and keeps working the deli job or whether he ends up deciding one 40-hours-a-week, hour-long-commute job is enough and lets it grow back.  But I can't help but miss it, at least a little.

Oh beard... someday I'll see you again. I hope you'll join us for the wedding. I'll send you an invitation.

Wheat and (DIY) cold feet

This morning, I came down with a serious case of DIY cold feet -- specifically when it comes to my fabric flowers. I hadn't worked on them in a long while, and the last time I tried to make a new kind of flower, I had a massive fail. I didn't even take pictures, it was sooo bad.  So I didn't have the greatest levels of confidence when I started trying to finish up the white flowers this morning (I have them all cut out and just need to singe them and stitch 'em together -- but I haven't done anything with my brown fabrics yet).
About half an hour into the venture, everything seemed to start going wrong. I had serious doubts about how the finished product would look whizzing through my mind, it seemed to be taking soooo long, and I started realizing how little time I'd been taking to work on them.
Are they worth it? I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm not making any hasty decisions about axe-ing them yet.

Don't be hasty.

But my backup plan is starting to look really enticing. What is it?

Wheat bouquets!
Seeing wheat bouquets was what got me interested in using wheat in our decorations to begin with, and I can't help but think they'd be soooooooo much easier than the fabric flowers. Just order up a giant box of wheat and some ribbon and pins and thereyougo.
Wheat, stop tempting me!

Co-bridesmaids and co-brides: making it work

Last night, I made what might end up being one of the most important phone calls during this whole wedding planning process. It shouldn't have been a hard phone call to make, but it was -- not because it meant pledging more money toward a vendor's services or plunging into a big decision, but because I had to get a grip on some insecurity that have been dogging me for a while.
One of my best friends from college is in my wedding and I'm in hers -- both of which are this year. This should be great, right? Having someone to talk wedding stuff to all the live-long day who actually likes talking about weddings?


We're definitely more like the Bingleys. Just sayin'.

It was turning out more like this:


... because I've been feeling sensitive and defensive about our wedding when it comes to talking with my friend.
I can't speak to how my friend has been feeling -- I have guesses, but I do know what's been going on in my head. And that's been a big ol' dose of insecurity.
My friend and I are moving in opposite directions in terms of lifestyles, and we've been headed in those directions since college -- she's upwardly mobile at this point, I'm happy and able to make do on my budget that runs out every month. And it seems like the more we move in these different directions, the harder it can be for us to come to common ground as easily as we used to. Her family and her fiance's family are expecting a traditional blow-out of an American wedding, and my fabric flowers seem as alien to her as her full-service venue does to me. And I think we're both feeling insecure about how folks will view each of our weddings, and when we feel like the other person doesn't understand our choices, we both feel defensive. (Well, here I go guessing at her feelings even though I was going to try not to...).
I've handled that insecurity poorly. Instead of just growing a tougher skin, I've tended to step back, being more difficult to get hold of than I used to be and not reaching out much on my own. But I'd been starting to worry about my own behavior. I even had a dream earlier this week that my friend fell into a pool and surfaced with a hurt look on her face when I didn't rush to get her out. When my friend messaged me last night saying she was a little hurt that I didn't ask her to go wedding dress shopping with me and that she'd be addressing invitation envelopes by herself all day today, a lot of those feelings came to the surface.
I was still tempted to pull back, to find some way to respond that would keep me from engaging emotionally. My thoughts went to the possibility that we could end up in a fight over how the distance between us came about, with both of us feeling that the other has changed.  But my fiance stopped me.
"Why don't we offer to go help her do her invitations?" he asked. He was right* -- we could drive down to her hometown, get a hotel room, help her with invites in the evening and head back home on Sunday. It took me a few minutes to get up the courage to call, apologize for hurting her feelings, and make the offer. Is it too little too late? I wondered, thinking about how long it had been since we just talked, not about what we needed to do for each other's weddings but about our lives, sharing honestly. Will she yell at me? I wondered, knowing her spitfire temper and how she's aimed it at vendors who haven't measured up and feeling like I've "measured up" as a bridesmaid less than the flaky caterer she'd considered for a few months.
I got brave and left her a voicemail. And when she called me back later, we were talking and laughing within ten minutes like we used to in the storage closet of my old dorm where we'd sit and drink and play with a giant hula hoop. I'd spent so much effort avoiding confrontation over insecurities and being defensive that I've been missing out on a friendship.

Good times in grad school

The whole experience got me thinking about how friendships can be put under a microscope when you're in someone's wedding pary. I don't know if it works this way so much for guys -- but I feel like there are a lot of issues that can present themselves when weddings are involved that might stay dormant otherwise. Putting someone into a situation with the set of expectations that comes with a bridal party can make things worse if you already feel like there's something unresolved or tense in your friendship. But, at the same time (at least to me), the whole point of asking someone to be your attendant is to recognize and honor your friendship. And I can't just tune out those issues when they come to light.
I feel so much better about the state of things between us now, and I've got a better idea of how I can help our friendship continue to grow rather than to stagnate. That idea revolves around communication. My friend will know I care about her if I stay in good communication with her and be open with her rather than clam up.
If you've been a bridesmaid, what has or could have helped you most with keeping a good connection with your bride-friend? If you've been a bride, what have you done to nourish your relationships with your bridesmaids?

* Right as always. One of the many reasons he'll make a great husband -- he helps me be a better person in so many ways.

Tickled salmon dusty rose blush...

Okay. I'm about to go crazy-bride on err'body up in here for just a second. Feel free to close your browser, because I know this is a little ridiculous.
I have a problem. Specifically, a pink problem. One that I never anticipated.
If you asked me just last year if I'd ever have anticipated having a wedding with pink in it, I would have laughed heartily. I would have told you that I'm not a pink kind of girl. And then, had you talked to my Mom, she would have told you how big a fibber I was.* I went through a pink stage as a little girl that would have frightened Barbie. I even had pink striped wallpaper and a briiiiiight pink bookshelf (which has since been repainted white).

This could have been me.

I've been a recovering pinkaholic since my early years, but apparently I can't quite kick it. As a grownup, I've never liked pink stuff made for women -- it's always too bright. But it's the off-shades of pink that I go crazy for: shell pink, rose, coral, salmon, any of the pinks that have neutrals mixed in. You'd never guess it because I can never find clothes that aren't fuschia or neon pink or bubblegum.
I like shades like this:



Blatantly bummed from 100 Layer Cake



When I first hit upon the idea of using dusty rose as a color in our wedding decor, I was thinking something like the rose color pictured above -- a darker, more fall-ish shade. But it's surprising how shades of pink can clash. Yesterday, I put my different pink things together while trying to figure out which shade of pashminas to order, and I ran up against a conflict in colors.**

Does...

or



... go better with

?

Mom and I are both more partial to the lighter salmon pink, but the brighter "dusty rose" is closer to the flowers in color. Mom says that the salmon looks better because it's different enough that "it doesn't look like I'm trying to match them," while with the dusty rose "it looks like I'm trying to match them and failing at it." Ha... true.

But then you start to add in other elements, like these tablecloths I'd been thinking of ordering.

       or

I'd been thinking the darker linen tablecloth would go well with the dusty rose in the pashminas, and the silk one is pretty, but it might be a little too fancy (especially since I'd been thinking of making runners out of some burlap. Burlap and satiny material? Would that look crazy?).

Basically at this point, I feel like I'm awash in a sea of pink (it's a sea that tastes like cotton candy, so I'm not toooo miserable). I can't tell what looks good with what anymore... I've been pink-washed! (Get it? Like, brainwashed? Or maybe I should say "I've got pink-eye." Okay, it's really bad when I'm making up dumb pink phrases that I have to explain. See my problem here? I need help, mostly of the psychiatric nature.)

My sane side says I'm thinking way too hard and that a range of pinks will look pretty dang awesome in the end rather than trying to match-match-match. So I'm going to listen to it rather than to my inner design freak who gets off on Pantone swatches. It'll all work out in the end, methinks.

Aww yeah, that's hot stuff... oh baby, oh baby!

* She'd also tell you how I've been obsessed with purple since then, too, and I can find plenty of stuff to wear in the purple shades I like. I'll never be able to escape my inner 6-year-old. She fully expects me to have unicorns at this wedding, too, since I'm going childhood-retro with the color.

** Johnny's official position is that pink is pink and the colors in the bar above are actually white, pink, pink, orange, and brown and that people who believe in more than 10 colors are just suffering under a big delusion.

What to give the girls?

It's probably way early to be thinking about this, but I just keep getting ideas for things to give my bridesmaids.  Most of my girls are pretty practical and have waaaay different senses of style -- R loves sewing and crafting, A loves her dogs and gardening and line dancing, B has a more high-class sense of style, J loves yellow (I mean LOVES yellow. And Chapel Hill blue.). K is classy and not into girly stuff while other-K loves anything a little fun and different and laid-back. I don't want to get them wildly different gifts, but I want whatever I give them to be something that I'm pretty sure they'll enjoy as their awesome individual selves.

Though I'm DIYing a ton of things for the wedding, this is one area that I don't want to go DIY-crazy with. I know that I love love love handmade gifts, and a few of my bridesmaids are that way, too, but a few aren't -- and I want to err on the side of giving more rather than less with my ladies. It means so much to me that each of them will stand with us, and they've each been important in my life or in Johnny's life. I may cut corners elsewhere, but not with them.

The first thing I saw that made me think "I HAVE to get these for the girls" were these hangers on Etsy. I'd seen them before in pro pics of wedding dresses and found one I'd love for myself. The more I wanted one of my own, the more I started thinking that this is the kind of thing that a woman with any sense of style might like but might not go out of her way to buy for herself. Visions of awesome pictures aside, I think these will be a neat gift.

By Janagaildesigns

I'm also a sucker for handthrown pottery mugs. Maybe it comes from going to hippie college or all the weekends I drooled over the pottery wares at the Carrboro farmer's market. They can be chunky and organic-looking or sophisticated-yet-unique, and I'm going to be on the lookout for some nice ones to gift to the ladies.

I looooove this one by Justmare!

I'm not really including the pashminas my bridesmaids will wear as a "gift" since I'm asking them to wear them, but I'll probably still put them in the gift bags with the rest of the goodies. Still not sure exactly which pink I'll be ordering -- I have one of the salmon and one of the dusty rose, and it's still hard to decide!

From La Purse

I'm pretty sure I'll be packaging it all in a totebag -- probably the one thing that I'll make myself unless I find a really good deal. There are lots of cool DIY totebags out there, so I think I can find a project that will look good enough to pass even my most discerning bridesmaid's tastes.

I was tempted to go with the "bridesmaid survival kit" theme, giving them some little bottles of different liquors and aspirin and bobby pins and whatnot, but if I had a choice between receiving liquor and a sewing kit or a freakin' awesome mug and hanger, I'd go with the second choice!

What would you love love love to receive as a bridesmaid? Is it something you'd get yourself or something you probably wouldn't spend the money on but would love to get as a gift?

A bandwagon full of mason jars (and some fireflies)

I feel like I'm coming off the tail-end of a whole slew of serious posts, full of either serious thoughts or srs bizns getting things done -- and we've also had some srs bizns stuff going on in real life in the past 24 hours that has worn me out. This morning is one of those mornings when I look for wedding inspiration on the web, just following where the internet-tide takes me, and that's becoming one of my favorite ways to do wedding-related things without a lot of stress. In fact, it's pretty stress-relieving, when you're just surfing to see what you can find.
I go back and forth between feeling like I'm being extremely unoriginal with my love for mason jars (and not caring) and realizing (probably realistically) that I'm one of the few people I know in real life who pays attention to wedding trends, and most of the folks we know will agree that mason jars are very "us." I went nuts over the Fireflies invitation on Minted because it reminded me of our first summer together, living in Johnny's uncle's house on the mountain. When we'd come home at night, the tree field that stretched out in front of the porch would be filled with fireflies. We moved in right as "firefly season" started, and there was something so magical and exciting about taking that step to move in together, and I feel that embodied in some of my memories of just taking a few moments to watch the fireflies together. I really do love that there's a way to bring those memories to our wedding with visual association -- it makes total sense to me why the whole "mason jars and fireflies" thing has taken off so much. They bring so many happy thoughts to people!
I've been curious to see what other mason jar things are out there since discovering the invites I love and the die cut and stamp sets from Papertrey. One thing I've found that I love: this drink dispenser from Pottery Barn. There's a whole article about mason jar drink dispensers on Intimate Weddings, but this one really caught my eye:


It's $70 and holds 1.5 gallons -- even if I just bought one and had someone refill it during the reception, it still probably wouldn't be worth the chunk of my budget it would take, but I still love looking at it! And the mason jar mugs = awesome because you don't have to grab hold of a sweaty glass. But we're mountain folk. We ain't too good for sweaty glasses. Still... they're cute.
I went over to Etsy, figuring that they'd be all up on the mason jar bandwagon -- and I was right! Along with enough mason jar lanterns to light up Texas, there are some cute finds, like stamps and favor boxes. If I were going to decorate the bathrooms in the church, I might put some of these in there:

By MidwestFinds, but other sellers do these, too

And what about these little beauties? I know brides are supposed to be all glamorous and stuff, but I wonder if it would be too cutesy to wear these for the wedding?

By Tracyleedesigns

But I did find something I love that I can afford and might actually purchase for the wedding if Johnny likes the idea: mason jar Bride and Groom toasting glasses!


By GracefullySouthern

You know what else is on Etsy? Tons of invites that have the same mason jar and fireflies thing going on as the ones I love on Minted. Some of them look kiiiiinda like knock-offs to me, but some of the other designs are neat and go in different directions than the jar + fireflies + brown background look. Also, I did a little price figuring and I'd still be getting the best deal at Minted (plus, their design is the one I like best, more than the similar Etsy creations... and I wouldn't feel like I'm contributing to design ripoff). Have I mentioned that if I go ahead and order the invites today, I can use a 10% off coupon? I feel crazy considering ordering invites this far in advance, and I may get another coupon before then, but I can't help feeling like "I have it! Let's do this! WHOOOO!" 
Also, I'm soooo glad we're not doing seating arrangements (heck, unless someone convinces me otherwise, we're not doing formal RSVPs), but if we were, I'd be in love with these, even though they're ripoff-y:

Aaaaaaaaadorable!

And now I have this song stuck in my brain:

... to the dress!

I'm starting to come down from the buzz of sheer excitement from finding my dress, but I still get happy squirmy feelings every time I think about it. But there's only so much I can show you of the real thing, because of this:

He may look like an innocent ASU fan...

But he's definitely sneaky. See the mischief lurking in those eyes... there's so much of it, it cannot be contained.


Who, me?

... yeah, he's definitely up to no good. If pictures of me in the dress I'm actually going to wear end up anywhere on the internet, he's going to sneak around and find them. But what I can show you are the dresses that were the runners up.

This was the first one I tried on. I liked it, but since it was the first, I was kind of in shock of "OMG I'M IN A WEDDING DRESS" and not able to articulate what, specifically, I liked and didn't like about it.

When I put the second one on, I knew from the second I saw my Mom's face and turned to see myself in the mirror that it would take a dress made of hundred dollar bills to one-up it. That's the one I can't show you. But I can show you the expression on my face while I was in it:

(Yep. This is the one. Ridiculously happy grinning ensues for half an hour... even when I get to put it on again at the end to try on shoes and look at it in full ensemble one last time.)

The third one was one Mom wanted me to try, as well as a favorite on the poll I posted on Weddingbee. It is a cool dress, just not really my style. It was fun to try it on, though!

The fourth one I tried was similar in many ways to the winner. This one was one I'd been really keen to see in person in the ivory color because I'd heard that the flowers on the bodice had a really lovely pinkish-and-champagne tint to them, and they were, indeed, gorgeous. I think if the one that was the winner hadn't existed, this one would have been my choice. Mom was surprised at how much better it looked on me than she thought it would! (Please ignore my crazy expression... dunno what I was doing there...). Some of the others did a lot more to define my waist, which I liked, and this one did something a little weird with my chest/above-the-boobs flab that the others didn't do quite as much. But I loved the flowy-ness and simplicity of it.

Really, I was amazed at how much better I looked than I thought I would. Dunno what this says about my psyche, but it sure made me happy.

So, there you have it... well, not really. You have all the ones except it, but since I have an internet creeper for a fiance, that's all you can have.... for now.

I said yes...

I'm still kind of giddy with excitement from the experience that was Thursday night. After a month of snow and trying to work around schedules, Mom and I finally got a chance to go dress shopping two nights ago. Though I wasn't determined to come home with a dress or a dress order in hand, I'd looked at the David's Bridal pictures enough that I felt really confident in the choices I'd narrowed it down to in my head.

*record scratch*

What's that you say? Why yes... yes, I went to David's Bridal.

DB has been called the "Walmart of Weddings" in the weddings, and it's true that it's totally the big-name chain when it comes to wedding dresses. But I don't have a problem with that!

Knowing my "price point" as the consultants at Kleinfeld would say, David's was looking great. If I'd wanted a designer dress, I probably could have found one second-hand with a lot of research, but as soon as I started flipping through the DB catalog and looking online, I saw that they had a lot of dresses in styles I loved. If I like 'em and they fit my price range, it just seemed silly to get worked up in looking at more expensive and more exclusive options if this fit what I wanted as well as I thought. And boy, was I right.

I knew I wanted something:

• Simple - with a little sparkle and detail but not really that much.
• Flowy - almost every dress I liked had chiffon involved.
• Ivory
• That works with my figure. I've tried on enough formalwear (mostly through shopping for dresses as a bridesmaid) to know some of the things that work for me, like ruching at the waist, A-line silhouettes, and empire waistlines. I loved that our consultant remarked that I had a good eye for finding stuff that works well with my shape :)

My local DB had gotten one or two bad reviews online for service, but I'd been there before and they'd been nothing but nice, so I pretty much ditched the reviews from my mind and went in expecting things to go well. Not only did they go well -- from the moment we walked in, I felt like they treated us like gold. Maybe it was because we went later in the evening when they weren't as busy as they get on weekends, or maybe it was because we'd scheduled an appointment. Who knows. But we experienced nothing of the dissatisfaction that I'd heard about.

Our consultant (Heather) was working with a few other folks at the same time, but she had her timing down so well that we never felt ignored -- quite the opposite! She was extremely friendly and helpful and made the whole experience a breeze. I'd been wondering about buying a longline bra and slip to go with my dress -- what do you know, she found the perfect ones, and I got to wear them to try on the dresses! I knew I wanted to wear my hair down but didn't have a clue what to wear in it -- ta-da, she finds a veil and hairpiece that go with it! I'd already been searching to no avail to find some cheap ivory shoes with a small heel to keep in mind for once I found a dress (I'm not a shoe girl) -- she has a great pair on sale for $20!

I love the discounts that pile up if you use David's Bridal and Men's Wearhouse for your wedding stuff. With the current sale prices and some discounts, I got my entire ensemble for around $850, which was pretty dang awesome -- I even got to take it home that night! That frees up about $200 of wiggle room in my budget, which is beyond awesome. I might even be able to afford one of these beauties from Etsy to hang the dress on...



By rockabuy creations

I won't hesitate to share my story of how DB treated us specacularly with other brides who've heard the same negativity I'd heard about the chain. I'm sure that there have been brides who've had bad experiences with them, but my local store and the consultant I worked with really deserve recognition for giving great customer service and giving me one of the most memorable and wonderful experiences of my life.

So, what's the dress look like, you ask?
There will be more to come...

Wedding Mythbuster: Myth #4

Wedding Myth #4: Wedding planning is stress, stress, stress.

Wedding planning can bring some ridiculously stressful situations. There are few other times in your life when you're so much "in the spotlight," with reasons to feel insecure and with other people giving you opinions left and right (I imagine pregnancy's probably similar... maybe by then, married women have at least had some practice?). There are few other times when you have to be more diplomatic with family members, coordinate with as many service providers, and try to keep a smile on your face through the whole process.
But should wedding planning be inherently a stress-producing activity? I don't believe so. Or more precisely, I do believe that you reap the feelings you sow when you plan a wedding, and I think there are ways to approach the process that help cut down on stress and maximize the enjoyment you get out of this special time.

You may have noticed by now that a lot of these stories involve a friend of mine -- this friend is someone who went out of her way to support me during some really rough times in my life a few years ago, someone who once knew me better than I knew myself, someone I thought I'd always be extremely close to. She got engaged a year and a half ago, and when I visited her last spring (right as her wedding planning kicked into gear), I wondered what sort of creature had stolen my friend and replaced her with someone scary.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail about the ways she's changed because I know that my friend is still in there -- I still love her, and I'm still excited about her wedding and her future life with her husband. But I've been watching her get sucked into a stress vortex since she started full-throttle wedding planning last spring. When she has to change a decision or when things don't fall into place smoothly, she doesn't hesitate sharing her disappointment and frustration, which tends to make things worse. Before I got engaged myself, I felt a little resentful of how she would express her stress -- "She's engaged!" I'd think to myself, "why doesn't she just put down the bridal magazines and just be happy that the man she loves wants to marry her?" I've started feeling a lot more compassionate since putting on the engaged-shoes myself.  I've been worrying about her for months, but the more upset she feels, the more she acts in ways that push people away. I know she's hurting, but from the outside, I can see how she doesn't make things any easier on herself by forgoing healthy coping mechanisms in favor of panic.
Of course, I am on the outside -- it's so much easier to "see" other people's problems (at least how you perceive them) and form opinions about what they should do. People have known that since Jesus talked about planks and specks. But watching her go through her own wedding-troubles has given me great incentive to be prepared with my own tools for dealing with stress when it stops at my door.

Mythbusting:

There are tons of lists out there full of tips to deal with wedding-stress, so I won't go into much detail about the advice that's well-circulated, like "get enough rest," "take care of your body," "exercise," etc. They're still great tips, don't get me wrong. But here are some things that I think are important to understanding how you react to stress and where it comes from that don't get mentioned as much:

• When you feel stressed, take some time for yourself in a calm place to just sit and figure out what, exactly, is making you feel upset. I had a panic earlier this week when I was taking another look at our wedding budget and thinking that the money I'm saving isn't going far enough. But knowing that wasn't enough to help me feel in control of the panic. I ended up opening the budget spreadsheet up and looking at the numbers until I saw that I was particularly frustrated with the fact that I don't have a specific amount budgeted for food. We have some folks helping us with food, but it'll be a good while before we get those details pinned down, so I just have to live with an empty spreadsheet cell for a while, but figuring that out helped me calm down a lot.
• Know what planning-related activities tend to trigger you to stress. I know I need to be in a good mood to work with our budget, that I need to be ready with patience with talking about plans with certain folks, that talking with official people (like vendors and our officiant) tends to make me a little nervous.
• Find an organization system that works for you. Maybe a physical "wedding binder," maybe a planner kind of calendar, maybe an expandable file... I tried the physical organization system thing, but Google docs have worked a lot better for me because I can't forget them in places! I have a big Tupperware box full of actual wedding stuff, which includes most of my important papers. It doesn't matter how pretty your system is or how technologically awesome it is... as long as it helps you keep track of your stuff, it's good. Being able to keep up with your ideas, receipts, budget, appointments, and all that jazz with ease makes things a lot less stressful.
• When you're feeling stressed -- put down the crazy and step back, do something else. I'm bad for wanting to keep pushing on until I get things solved when I really just need to chill. It's hard for me to do this step for myself, but sometimes it's just what I need. It's also good to take a step back from wedding stuff with all the people involved. I try to relate to Johnny, my Mom, all the girls who are my bridesmaids, primarily as the family and friends they are rather than in their wedding-shoes roles as much as I can -- it keeps me grounded.
• Realize that there are lots of things out of your control and be able to let those things go. This is the place where wedding planning intersects with prayer for me. A lot of times I just have to have faith, take a breath, and accept what's what in order to feel at peace.
• Keep a list in the back of your mind of activities you love that help you relieve stress. Everyone always suggests exercise - that does not de-stress me, unless it's just a nice walk. But baths do. And reading books. And playing Mah Johngg on the internet. Remembering what I can do instead of stress helps me feel better faster. 
• Make yourself a playlist of music that helps you feel relaxed and happy! This is my current favorite feel-good song:

• Try to think back on the early stages of planning when the possibilities were exciting. Remember the first thing you decided on that made you go "This! This will make our wedding awesome!" and the feeling that came with it? Visit that memory to get a little confidence boost and to remember that planning can really be a lot of fun.
• Remember that in the end, all that matters is getting to marry your awesome man :)