Co-bridesmaids and co-brides: making it work

Last night, I made what might end up being one of the most important phone calls during this whole wedding planning process. It shouldn't have been a hard phone call to make, but it was -- not because it meant pledging more money toward a vendor's services or plunging into a big decision, but because I had to get a grip on some insecurity that have been dogging me for a while.
One of my best friends from college is in my wedding and I'm in hers -- both of which are this year. This should be great, right? Having someone to talk wedding stuff to all the live-long day who actually likes talking about weddings?


We're definitely more like the Bingleys. Just sayin'.

It was turning out more like this:


... because I've been feeling sensitive and defensive about our wedding when it comes to talking with my friend.
I can't speak to how my friend has been feeling -- I have guesses, but I do know what's been going on in my head. And that's been a big ol' dose of insecurity.
My friend and I are moving in opposite directions in terms of lifestyles, and we've been headed in those directions since college -- she's upwardly mobile at this point, I'm happy and able to make do on my budget that runs out every month. And it seems like the more we move in these different directions, the harder it can be for us to come to common ground as easily as we used to. Her family and her fiance's family are expecting a traditional blow-out of an American wedding, and my fabric flowers seem as alien to her as her full-service venue does to me. And I think we're both feeling insecure about how folks will view each of our weddings, and when we feel like the other person doesn't understand our choices, we both feel defensive. (Well, here I go guessing at her feelings even though I was going to try not to...).
I've handled that insecurity poorly. Instead of just growing a tougher skin, I've tended to step back, being more difficult to get hold of than I used to be and not reaching out much on my own. But I'd been starting to worry about my own behavior. I even had a dream earlier this week that my friend fell into a pool and surfaced with a hurt look on her face when I didn't rush to get her out. When my friend messaged me last night saying she was a little hurt that I didn't ask her to go wedding dress shopping with me and that she'd be addressing invitation envelopes by herself all day today, a lot of those feelings came to the surface.
I was still tempted to pull back, to find some way to respond that would keep me from engaging emotionally. My thoughts went to the possibility that we could end up in a fight over how the distance between us came about, with both of us feeling that the other has changed.  But my fiance stopped me.
"Why don't we offer to go help her do her invitations?" he asked. He was right* -- we could drive down to her hometown, get a hotel room, help her with invites in the evening and head back home on Sunday. It took me a few minutes to get up the courage to call, apologize for hurting her feelings, and make the offer. Is it too little too late? I wondered, thinking about how long it had been since we just talked, not about what we needed to do for each other's weddings but about our lives, sharing honestly. Will she yell at me? I wondered, knowing her spitfire temper and how she's aimed it at vendors who haven't measured up and feeling like I've "measured up" as a bridesmaid less than the flaky caterer she'd considered for a few months.
I got brave and left her a voicemail. And when she called me back later, we were talking and laughing within ten minutes like we used to in the storage closet of my old dorm where we'd sit and drink and play with a giant hula hoop. I'd spent so much effort avoiding confrontation over insecurities and being defensive that I've been missing out on a friendship.

Good times in grad school

The whole experience got me thinking about how friendships can be put under a microscope when you're in someone's wedding pary. I don't know if it works this way so much for guys -- but I feel like there are a lot of issues that can present themselves when weddings are involved that might stay dormant otherwise. Putting someone into a situation with the set of expectations that comes with a bridal party can make things worse if you already feel like there's something unresolved or tense in your friendship. But, at the same time (at least to me), the whole point of asking someone to be your attendant is to recognize and honor your friendship. And I can't just tune out those issues when they come to light.
I feel so much better about the state of things between us now, and I've got a better idea of how I can help our friendship continue to grow rather than to stagnate. That idea revolves around communication. My friend will know I care about her if I stay in good communication with her and be open with her rather than clam up.
If you've been a bridesmaid, what has or could have helped you most with keeping a good connection with your bride-friend? If you've been a bride, what have you done to nourish your relationships with your bridesmaids?

* Right as always. One of the many reasons he'll make a great husband -- he helps me be a better person in so many ways.