Wedding planning can bring some ridiculously stressful situations. There are few other times in your life when you're so much "in the spotlight," with reasons to feel insecure and with other people giving you opinions left and right (I imagine pregnancy's probably similar... maybe by then, married women have at least had some practice?). There are few other times when you have to be more diplomatic with family members, coordinate with as many service providers, and try to keep a smile on your face through the whole process.
But should wedding planning be inherently a stress-producing activity? I don't believe so. Or more precisely, I do believe that you reap the feelings you sow when you plan a wedding, and I think there are ways to approach the process that help cut down on stress and maximize the enjoyment you get out of this special time.
You may have noticed by now that a lot of these stories involve a friend of mine -- this friend is someone who went out of her way to support me during some really rough times in my life a few years ago, someone who once knew me better than I knew myself, someone I thought I'd always be extremely close to. She got engaged a year and a half ago, and when I visited her last spring (right as her wedding planning kicked into gear), I wondered what sort of creature had stolen my friend and replaced her with someone scary.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail about the ways she's changed because I know that my friend is still in there -- I still love her, and I'm still excited about her wedding and her future life with her husband. But I've been watching her get sucked into a stress vortex since she started full-throttle wedding planning last spring. When she has to change a decision or when things don't fall into place smoothly, she doesn't hesitate sharing her disappointment and frustration, which tends to make things worse. Before I got engaged myself, I felt a little resentful of how she would express her stress -- "She's engaged!" I'd think to myself, "why doesn't she just put down the bridal magazines and just be happy that the man she loves wants to marry her?" I've started feeling a lot more compassionate since putting on the engaged-shoes myself. I've been worrying about her for months, but the more upset she feels, the more she acts in ways that push people away. I know she's hurting, but from the outside, I can see how she doesn't make things any easier on herself by forgoing healthy coping mechanisms in favor of panic.
Of course, I am on the outside -- it's so much easier to "see" other people's problems (at least how you perceive them) and form opinions about what they should do. People have known that since Jesus talked about planks and specks. But watching her go through her own wedding-troubles has given me great incentive to be prepared with my own tools for dealing with stress when it stops at my door.
There are tons of lists out there full of tips to deal with wedding-stress, so I won't go into much detail about the advice that's well-circulated, like "get enough rest," "take care of your body," "exercise," etc. They're still great tips, don't get me wrong. But here are some things that I think are important to understanding how you react to stress and where it comes from that don't get mentioned as much:
- When you feel stressed, take some time for yourself in a calm place to just sit and figure out what, exactly, is making you feel upset. I had a panic earlier this week when I was taking another look at our wedding budget and thinking that the money I'm saving isn't going far enough. But knowing that wasn't enough to help me feel in control of the panic. I ended up opening the budget spreadsheet up and looking at the numbers until I saw that I was particularly frustrated with the fact that I don't have a specific amount budgeted for food. We have some folks helping us with food, but it'll be a good while before we get those details pinned down, so I just have to live with an empty spreadsheet cell for a while, but figuring that out helped me calm down a lot.
- Know what planning-related activities tend to trigger you to stress. I know I need to be in a good mood to work with our budget, that I need to be ready with patience with talking about plans with certain folks, that talking with official people (like vendors and our officiant) tends to make me a little nervous.
- Find an organization system that works for you. Maybe a physical "wedding binder," maybe a planner kind of calendar, maybe an expandable file... I tried the physical organization system thing, but Google docs have worked a lot better for me because I can't forget them in places! I have a big Tupperware box full of actual wedding stuff, which includes most of my important papers. It doesn't matter how pretty your system is or how technologically awesome it is... as long as it helps you keep track of your stuff, it's good. Being able to keep up with your ideas, receipts, budget, appointments, and all that jazz with ease makes things a lot less stressful.
- When you're feeling stressed -- put down the crazy and step back, do something else. I'm bad for wanting to keep pushing on until I get things solved when I really just need to chill. It's hard for me to do this step for myself, but sometimes it's just what I need. It's also good to take a step back from wedding stuff with all the people involved. I try to relate to Johnny, my Mom, all the girls who are my bridesmaids, primarily as the family and friends they are rather than in their wedding-shoes roles as much as I can -- it keeps me grounded.
- Realize that there are lots of things out of your control and be able to let those things go. This is the place where wedding planning intersects with prayer for me. A lot of times I just have to have faith, take a breath, and accept what's what in order to feel at peace.
- Keep a list in the back of your mind of activities you love that help you relieve stress. Everyone always suggests exercise - that does not de-stress me, unless it's just a nice walk. But baths do. And reading books. And playing Mah Johngg on the internet. Remembering what I can do instead of stress helps me feel better faster.
- Make yourself a playlist of music that helps you feel relaxed and happy! This is my current favorite feel-good song:
- Try to think back on the early stages of planning when the possibilities were exciting. Remember the first thing you decided on that made you go "This! This will make our wedding awesome!" and the feeling that came with it? Visit that memory to get a little confidence boost and to remember that planning can really be a lot of fun.
- Remember that in the end, all that matters is getting to marry your awesome man :)
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